Gallipoli at the Sydney Theatre

Director: Nigel Jamieson

Director Nigel Jamieson is renowned for his large-scale productions – particularly his role in the 2000 Olympics Opening Ceremony – and it is this talent for bombast and extravaganza that he brings to the Sydney Theatre Company production of Gallipoli. You wouldn’t trust less capable hands than Jamieson’s to give the Gallipoli story this ambitious treatment: the production features a 40-strong ensemble and incorporates aerial performance, poetry, tap-dancing, original archive footage, choirs that spontaneously burst into song, and even a touch of burlesque…

This is no Rock Eisteddfod though. There is never danger of the spectacle overpowering the emotional core of the production. In fact, combining these disparate elements of performance turns out to be an appropriate way to convey the enormity of the tragedy. This format also gives Jamieson the freedom to draw upon a vast array of interconnected stories, each incredibly affecting and illuminating some other dark aspect of the Gallipoli story: General Ian Hamilton sleeping while his men were massacred, dying young soldiers calling out for their mothers, swarms of flies gorging themselves on corpses, returned soldiers who pass the horror down to their children…

The production manages to be educational as well as gripping. Particularly interesting is the story of Australian war correspondent Charles Bean, who learns just how unpopular the truth is when reporting on an outbreak of venereal disease in the ranks. After the disaster at Gallipoli, he is left little option but to paint an unrealistic picture of the Australian troops’ “imperishable glory” – because the alternative is being howled out of existence by those back home.

We know from the start how the Gallipoli story ends. We are simply forced to watch as young Australians are seduced into the Army by song, spectacular rhetoric and the promise of travel and adventure, others bullied by pastel images of a little blonde girl asking, “Daddy, what did YOU do in the Great War?” And of course we know that the terrified troops are marching into the jaws of death, even when they themselves don’t. The whole production is infused with this queasy sense of dramatic irony, and all we can do is wait for the inevitable, chilling crack of rifle fire.

As it draws to a close, Gallipoli is fairly blatant in drawing parallels to more recent events in Australian history, but I for one forgive it this. With all these glib statements of Gallipoli being part of the national psyche, it still seems that Australia, as a whole, is yet to fully grasp the abysmal horror of war – and Gallipoli reminds us just how important it is that we do.

WHAT: Gallipoli at the Sydney Theatre

WHEN: Now – Saturday 23 August

MORE: sydneytheatre.com.au

Pirates vs Ninjas

So I thought I'd settle the Pirates vs Ninjas debate once and for all.

A mastery of every style of fighting. The skill and capacity to kill in cold blood. A wardrobe chock-full of stylish little black numbers. Such is the Way of the Ninja.

You may think you know all about the Way of the Ninja, but you’d be wrong. The real history of the Ninja is a riddle wrapped up in a mystery inside an enigma underneath a puzzle behind a conundrum next to the lentils container. Even the plural of ‘ninja’ is a well-guarded secret! Is it ‘ninjas’? Or is it ‘ninja’? It’s all part of the Infinite Mystery of the Ninja, or perhaps Ninjas.

Pirates, on the other hand - or should that be other hook? - have none of that grace and mystique. They’re loud and obnoxious! Frankly I can’t think of anything more annoying than the phrase “Garrrrr!”, except perhaps having a parrot screeching and shrieking in your ear all day.

Sure, it sounds very romantic and that, roaming the seven seas for buried treasure, but real pirates are nothing more than rum-soaked tramps with absurd hats and puffy shirts. Then there’s the obligatory disfigurement: eye-patches, wooden legs, hooks for hands… Imagine the costs of medical treatment and surgery! Not to mention the difficulty in playing tennis.

Ninjas? Why, ninjas would be superb at tennis. A ninja would laugh in the face of Roger Federer’s most aggressive topspin crosscourt volley groundstroke, and then probably pull out Roger Federer’s still beating heart with bare hands. Such is the Flair for Tennis of the Ninja.

But it’s not just ballsports that ninjas excel at. Ninjas are trained in the art and skill of stealth. They will always get the last pizza slice, unbeknownst to anyone. Heck, they’ll even leave the restaurant without paying, unbeknownst to anyone - even someone who is usually quite beknownst about things like that. This is because ninjas do everything by cover of darkness. Assassinating village leaders, spying on crime lords, eating ice cream - all done by cover of darkness. Even ninja dentists operate by cover of darkness. (The only thing pirates are likely to do by cover of darkness is yank the plank, and I don’t mean the type you walk off.)

Ninjas are efficient killers… and they are ruthless. That’s right, they have no ruth whatsoever. They would poison dart you and your extended family before you could work out how to pronounce shinobi-no-mono, let alone say it. Then they’d be away in the flash of a smoke bomb. (The only smoke bombs pirates let off… No. That one’s too easy.)

Ever wondered what someone’s last words are when a ninja blocks their carotid artery and stops the flow of blood to their brain? Actually, it sounds a lot like “Garrrrrr…”

[See this week's 3D World for the Pro-Pirates Argument! If you want.]

Parties: A Crash Course

Since the Dawn of Time, Man has wanted to Party. Woman too. Just this year, archaeologists have discovered the remains of a 30-million-year-old human ancestor, with a brain the size of a nickel, holding a glowstick. (Come to that, I met a guy with a brain the size of a nickel in Purple Sneakers just last week.)

But, for just as long as there have been parties, people have been left disappointed, frustrated and confused. There’s a reason it’s called “throwing” a party. Throw it well, and it’ll soar. Throw it badly, and it’ll fall flat, or put someone’s eye out, and lead to messy legal proceedings.

So, before you hold your next party, think about all the best parties you’ve been at…

House Parties - No, I don’t mean parties where you play house music. I mean parties that you hold at your house. (Having said that, there’s nothing to stop you from playing house music at your House Party and having a House House Party. Go right ahead. Indeed, you can even watch acclaimed medical drama series House at said House House Party, making it a House House House Party.) What was I saying again? Oh yeah. House Parties are great.

Costume Parties - When else could you make out with Marilyn Monroe, sing karaoke with Marcel Marseau, or beat up Osama bin Laden? Anyone with a passing acquaintance with The Bard knows that Romeo and Juliet met at a costume party. And that ended up happily, right? Right? Right? Right. Themed parties also add an extra element of fun to proceedings. Why not give your party a theme, like Superheroes, Hollywood Stars, or Characters from the Collected Works of Fyodor Dostoevsky? And, if you really enjoy pretending to be someone else, why don’t you try identity theft? Try stealing mail, eavesdropping on other people’s personal transactions or hacking into computer databases.

Bachelor Parties - A Bachelor Party is the party at which you’re most likely to have two strippers turn up and lick whipped cream off each other’s private parts. (Except perhaps the Liberal Party.) Yes, yes, I know: apparently you’re only supposed to have a Bachelor Party when you’re getting married - but with divorce rates like they are and it being the 21st century, it is becoming increasingly acceptable to get married purely to have a Bachelor Party.

Dinner Parties - Traditionally the domain of married couples, Dinner Parties are a classy affair, usually involving candlelight, a nice dinner, a nice bottle of wine, a domestic spat, a spontaneous act of infidelity in the laundry room, and Kenny G records. [CAUTION: Prolonged exposure to Kenny G records may cause dizziness, mottled skin, loss of appetite, paranoia, baldness, dark urine, gastrointestinal upset and impotence FOREVER.]

Office Parties - There are some things that were never meant to go together. Nitric acid and zinc. Pineapple and pizza. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas. But by far the most lethal combination - far more frightening than any mere chemical reaction or Domino’s Hawaiian - is work colleagues and alcohol. Letting loose and chilling out with your workmates might sound like a good idea at first but, by the end of the night, James from IT is dancing with his shirt off, Max from Sales is telling the Boss what he really thinks of him, and Rob from Accounting is having his way with Jill from Reception in the corner… The phrase “You’ll never live it down” was invented for Office Parties.

McDonald’s Parties - We all remember these. Due to the age ceiling, having a real McDonald’s Party is a bit difficult for those of us over 10 years old (i.e. most of the 3D World readership). However, feel free to turn up to McDonald’s with all of your mates, buy 27 soft serve cones for about eight dollars, and dance the night away. You’ll have fun. Trust me.

Cast Parties - All those weeks of rehearsing have paid off, and your musical society’s production of Jesus Christ Superstar was a huge success! Ashfield Community Hall has never seen anything like it! So, it’s time to get together one last time, have some punch, play drama games and have everyone join in a lovely sing-along of I Don’t Know How To Love Him.

Tupperware Parties - In need of some plastic containers in which to store rice, pasta, Thai stir-fry or any number of other tasty dishes? Then you’re in need of a Tupperware Party. Contact your local FridgeSmart consultant (what a job!), get together with your fellow housewives, and find out about the exciting world of keeping food fresh! Mmm! For best results, combine with Bachelor Party.

Coming-Out Parties - What better way to celebrate coming out of the closet about your BIG SECRET than holding a party? If you manage to get everyone drunk, half the people there won’t even remember your BIG SECRET by the time it’s morning - except your parents, who will disown you. Sorry.

Search Parties - Trying to find a lost loved one in a national park by torchlight with police and wilderness-trained emergency medical personnel at your side can be a fun and exciting way to spend a Friday night. Make sure you don’t forget to play the Grease Mega-Mix.

Movies

Really banal time-wasting chat on movies.

* Curse of the Golden Flower - Ninjas. Chow Yun-Fat. More ninjas. All the ingredients for an awesome movie. And, to be fair, it was awesome. But there are certain conventions of Western filmmaking that were (no doubt inadvertently) subverted by Curse of the Golden Flower, like making sense. No wait, that's not fair either, it's just that the movie just ended rather than finished. Some people would say, "Oh, but the idea is that you keeping thinking about the movie after it's done, rather than forget about it." Keep thinking about how shit the ending was, yes. Which brings me to:

* The Science of Sleep - I've been looking forward to this fucking film for almost a year, reading reviews from the states and all the rest of it. Like many people, I was expecting Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 2. What I got was Eternal Who Cares of the Shitty Movie 2. Everything that worked in Eternal Sunshine - the ambiguity, the dreamlike vibe, the pathetic protagonist - fell flat on its face this time round, since Charlie Kaufmann wasn't around, I'm guessing. Turns out Michel Gondry isn't a genius after all. And if I see that fucking Daft Punk film clip one time...

* Priceless - NOT the French Breakfast At Tiffany's. Both leading ladies are named Audrey, and that's about it. Speaking of Breakfast At Tiffany's, how much does Blake Edwards love the song Moon River? He only uses it 5,000 times in the movie. I mean, it's a great song, but I was dreaming that song for weeks afterwards. GETOVERIT!

* Spider-man 3 - I'm not qualified to give this film a critique in the context of the trilogy - having missed (not bothered with) the other two films - but it seemed to have three movies' worth of material in it anyway. Anyway, it was nice to see a Marvel movie with a storyline that goes a little beyond the whole saving-the-world thing. No, I didn't see X-Men 3 - piss off. Spider-man turning into a badass was awesome, and Topher Grace is infallible, except for his retarded name.

* The Host - So good! Who new the Korean film industry had it in them? No one, that's who. This had three movies' worth of material in it, but in a good way: monsters, twists, the whole one-man-against-the-world vibe, satirical commentary on the American military, Asian schoolgirls, and subtitles (so you can feel sophisticated-like for seeing a foreign movie). Alas, no boobies.

* Hot Fuzz - What were you talking about, Kieren? A great film. What's-his-name was great.

Okay I've just lost interest in this post.

The Dude Abides

* Why is it that we can put a man on the moon but we still can't stop a zoo smelling like shit? Priorities, people.

* I'm never going to wear my Eagles Farewell Tour concert T-shirt. Let's face it. I get laughed at for wearing it at band practice for chrissake. I have no problem wearing my Bowie T-shirt to 3D World, or my Yes T-shirt to the V Festival, or my Radiohead "We Suck Young Blood" T-shirt to after school care... but there's just something about The Eagles that is faintly -- no, not faintly -- immensely embarrassing. Is it Don Henley's solo career? Perhaps. The WS FM-friendly AND overt sentimentality of the track Desperado and New Kid In Town? Probably.

I'm just annoyed they weren't selling concert shirts at the David Gates concert. A black T-shirt with "BABY I'M A WANT YOU" on it in big letters? Awesome.

* How good is Anna Nicole Smith's diary? "Well found out I was P.G. [pregnant?] today on Clays BDay Im in shock Im so scared! How can this happen to me. Clay will hate me he dont want kid Cant do it!" ("Cant do it!" is underlined) The collected letters of Oscar Wilde? Fuck off, this is real insight into character.

People who talk about stuff no one cares about

* All of you at some point or another have received an email or read a blog entry that starts with something like, 'FUCK! I JUST SPENT 20 MINUTES WRITING THE BEST THING EVER AND BLOGGER/HOTMAIL CRASHED!' I find it really hard to care when I read stuff like that. 'So what?' Right? 'Now you're wasting more time complaining. Well done.' So, yeah, Blogger just crashed on me -- possibly it was overloaded by the unprecedented comments explosion. Anyway, who cares? Not you guys. Fuck it.

* That Dr Whatsit-Thingy's Brain Training game on the Nintendo DS is actually quite nifty. I'd argue it's the most fun you can have with your pants on while stimulating your prefrontal cortex. And it turns out I have a secret talent: syllable counting. Who'd have guessed? (3 syllables)

* I've had it for quite some time now, but I've only just realised that my keyboard at home doesn't have a green light to tell me if the Caps Lock key is on or off. IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING. I mean, It's fucking annoying.

* Ah, such power. In last week's magazine I took the piss out of a regular event that happens at the Cross called 'Club Parliament'. I mean, what kind of name is that? So I ran a comp last week and appealed to our entrants to come up with a new name for the event. It so happens that the event organisers got wind of it and are taking my comments on board. In fact I just sent them a list of the best suggestions we received:

the real deal
Club Rep
Champmate
Question Time with the Skid Mark on the bedsheet that is australian polictics!
Schmeewonda's
white knuckles
Fizzy Funkdown
Death To Politicians
Club Politics sucks!
Cross out the obvious.
club audio freaks
Guy Fawkes Day

(I particularly like "Schmeewonda's".) So there you are. I'm not just scamming free stuff here. I actually do occasionally make a difference. And whoever said that satire was the weapon of the powerless against the powerful? ... Mark Twain, it turns out.

* Why release Hey Dad! on DVD? What fan base are you trying to appease? What audience are you trying to reach? The former editor here apparently worked with... what was that boofy-haired typist's name? Elaine? Anyway, it turns out that after the heady days of Hey Dad!, one of its stars ended up making ends meet by working as a telemarketer... A fall from grace, yes? ... Actually, that might be considered a step up.

* Speaking of 'Where Are They Now?'-type stuff, did anybody catch ACA last night? Don't lie. One-time Big Brother winner Trevor is now doing errands as a post boy or something and making $18 an hour. Look up "washed up" in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of Trevor's face. Actually, look up most words in my dictionary and you'll see a picture of Trevor's face. Hmm, need a new dictionary.

* What's the deal with colleagues offering a round of drinks and then running away?

"Can I grab you a drink?"
"... Sure."
"What are you drinking?"
"Coopers Green."

And he walks off, never to be seen again.

* Obviously I can't ignore the comments for my last post, but I actually haven't read the last 10 or so, so forgive me if my two cents' worth is treading old ground: I like the word "random" and the increasingly "incorrect" way it is being used. I like how its meaning has evolved naturally through modern discourse, and I'm happy that the lexicographers now have to accomodate it with a new definition rather than the other way round.

But anyway. Carry on.

When rappers edit their own Wikipedia pages...

"K-Rino is one of the most underrated rappers within the Houston, Texas area. His profound storytelling, incredible delivery and potent and quite mind boggling lyrics set him ahead of most artists in the Houston area. Critics are saying that the beats are what are lacking, but a new track has surfaced feature K-Rino over German beatsmith Keyza Soze on a track entitled "Look Around You", which is one of his best tracks to date.
Look Around You can be found on Book Number 7, the new release from K-Rino on Black Book International.
K-Rino has collaborated with numerous"

[It ends there.]

Responses

New look! I hated that green, that's all. Green fucking sucks.

Every Wednesday the One Minute Angels visit 3D World and give us all massages. At first I just felt plain guilty, like I was being serviced by a hooker, only a not very good one. Anyway I've stopped trying to make conversation with them. There's a different one every week, what's the point? It's like making small talk with taxi drivers. Why bother. If they were interesting people they wouldn't be taxi drivers, right? Sorry to any taxi drivers reading this.

Anyway, I keep forgetting to respond to my blog comments, so here's a wrap-up:

Astrid: I'm off to the States at the end of June. Plenty of time for a nice dinner, if you're still keen... ha.

Dan: Made out with any married women lately? High-five!

Jackie: Thanks for all that. Those tours -- we've checked them out now -- sound marvellous. This is all starting to feel like it's actually going to happen. The sort of feeling you get when you, like, see the Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End trailer for the first time. A good feeling.

Pat A: Thanks for the big ups. How does one spell 'big ups' anyway? With a hyphen? One word? Who cares? That Dan Brown story was what those in the know call a 'surprise success'. Almost as popular as the Vertigo piece where I got beaten up by seven-year-olds.

Unbiased Critic: I'll be slowly implementing your suggestions. As you can see I've changed the blog title, which I think is a vast improvement. Thanks for dropping on by. You should write for my magazine. Or do you already? Hmm.

William Shakespeare's autograph

This is the autograph of the greatest writer of the English language.



"William Shurblue"? Clearly the greatest writer of the English language lost patience halfway through writing his own fucking name. (Fair enough -- ever tried writing with a quill? The novelty wears off very quickly.)

Start spreading the news

So I figured I ought to start spreading the news about my vagabond shoes longing to stray, etc.

I'm going to New York -- for a bit. Not long really. But soon. Finally I can start wearing my I [Heart] NY keyring without irony.

Anyway I thought it was about time I started compiling a list of things to do, as well as New York-centred books, movies, TV shows, bands, etc. to revisit there and beforehand. I'm basically asking you lot to help me out here. Anyway this is my list so far:

* Home Alone 2: Lost In New York (film) [duh!]
* The Terminal (film)
* Muppets Take Manhattan (film)
* Godzilla (film)
* King Kong (film)
* The Woody Allen filmography
* Friends (TV series)
* Sex And The City (TV series)
* Futurama (TV series) [... sort of]
* Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing (Book)
* The Simon & Garfunkel discography
* The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway (Genesis album)
* Annie (shithouse musical)
* Rhapsody In Blue (Gershwin piece...) [*drool*]

Oh, and one video game:

* Mike Tyson's Punch-Out (NES game)

And who could forget Eskimo Joe's killer single, "New York"? Most people, probably.

I'm also going to be in Vegas and LA for fractions of bits, so get thinking.

Talk to me, people.

Things to do on the weekend:

You know, I really do enjoy being in charge of Giveaways at [name of publication withheld]. Don't worry, I'm not doing anything unethical.

There are people all over Australia who all WANT STUFF from me. It's a good feeling, and it was only going to be a matter of time till I figured out a way to benefit from it.

So I decided to start using the freeloading scabs of Australia as my own personal agony aunt/8-ball/ideas generator. Gift ideas, psychiatric advice, sex tips -- it's fantastic.

Last week I ran a comp for the BigTunes3 compilation, and asked entrants to suggest something to do over the weekend. Along with several suggestions to walk over the Harbour Bridge and skydive naked, there were these gems:



Have a foam party! Their the best!

get 10 of your best mates, and just spend the entire time from friday night to monday morning out on the town, clubbing, partying, drinking and other shenanigans

Go through all your photo albums and cut out all the pictures of your ex's, then make a collage with the left over bits. Trust me, it's not only fun, it's therapeutic.

lets go surfing, grab a bottle of vodka, get smashed and go out for dinner and dancing.

COME TO MY 21ST BIRTHDAY PARTY !!!!...its gonna be at KINK on saturday 5th of May...and its gonna be OFF THE HOOK !!!!!!!!......bring your friends too, the more the merrier....hope to see you there...!!!

Paint yourself with peppermint oil, then add a layer of chocolate sauce on top. Go around to your favourite club and ask "who wants to eat a real life mint slice?"

Drive a busload of epileptics through Vegas

Take me shopping, now that gotta be fun, blind dates are always the best, if ya dont like me ya can leave, no ties.

Come over my house ill take you out to do my dads farm and we can go go karting all day,

Go buy yourself a ferret buy for a good price then go sell it at a higher price use extra cash to by a cute girl drinks and maybe a little hash.

make crank telephone calls just like Bart Simpson does

Buy some Appleton Rum, invite me around with my tunes to play for all your friends..

Reading the threedworld website as it's chock full of great and interesting content

Come and babysit my kids so I can go out

go naked bunjie jumping covered in whipped cream

having dinner with me with a gorgeous bottle of wine and excellent tunes

Go to homebush and get drunk at the pub there and then go for trapeese classes.

spin around on a chair 20 times then try to navigate through your house

wear a penguin outfit to a rave

If you're REALLY stuck for ideas, I'm prepared to let you take me out for the weekend, and spend an OSCENE amount of money on me!!! - Trust me, you'll have fun just watching me enjoying myself.....

Go down to Milsons Point, away from Luna Park on the water and have a picnic lunch, where very people know about!

Another blog

Probably jumping the gun here, but here's a blog I'm supposedly going to be involved in:

http://bitsoffragmentpieces.blogspot.com/

Check it. And here's something else:

http://www.threedworld.com.au/content/view/3809/56/

Check it.

Dog owners 'fleeced' in poodle scam

Thousands of people have been 'fleeced' into buying neatly coiffured lambs they thought were poodles.

Entire flocks of lambs were shipped over from the UK and Australia to Japan by an internet company and marketed as the latest 'must have' accessory.

But the scam was only spotted after a leading Japanese actress said her 'poodle' didn't bark and refused to eat dog food.

Maiko Kawakami, who starred in the Japanese thriller Violent Cop, showed photographs of her pet on a television talk show only to be told it wasn't a dog - but was in fact a lamb.

The discovery prompted hundreds of women to contact the police with similar problems and the authorities believe as many as 2,000 people have been conned.

'We launched an investigation after we were made aware that a company was selling sheep as poodles,' a police spokesman told The Sun.

'Sadly, we think there is more than one company operating in this way.

'The sheep are believed to have been imported from overseas - Britain and Australia.'

Poodles are famously used by the rich and glamourous on the continent but are extremely rare in Japan, with many people having little idea what they look like.

The company, which translates as Poodles as Pets, sold the 'poodles' for £630, about half the cost of a normal poodle but is now understood to have been shut down.

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=46730&in_page_id=34

Interview with fashion designer

Provocator’s designs ambush you from all sides: his trans-seasonal fashion collections have a touch of the avant-garde, a touch of the historical and a touch of street. His monthly showcase at 2threads is proving the place to be so, in the spirit of Fashion Week, 3D talked threads with a fashion revolutionary.

DK: It seems that you enjoy having it both ways: combining the edge of modern trends with the glamour of period style design. What is it that drew you to the look of 18th century France for your first trans-seasonal collection, French Revolution?
P: the reason of my existence is the French revolution, the end of medieval thinking, the force of freedom, re-inventing and challenging myself constantly.

DK:Tell us about your second collection, Forgotten Youth.
P: forgotten youth applies to the innovators
The people that want to look
Different and make a statement

DK: What’s the most exciting thing happening in ‘street’ fashion at the moment?
P: I’m trying not follow the masses. I try
Always to avoid what currently is popular
Unless is my creation. Fashion in our days
Become more of a personal expression that’s
Why it changes so fast and there are not real
Trends.

DK: Do you want to keep your threads exclusive and underground, or do you want to be bigger than big? Or something else?
P: I want to keep it exclusive, but then is my
Dream to get big and when a style gets
Popular you have to repeat it, I feel
Powerful in away… Yes I can do it,
I can put a lot of work on the
Garment, I can produce thousands I’ve done it
before, why not. I can do both and guarantee
the quality and innovation.

DK: You’re a fashion designer but you also have to be a businessperson: how do you get your designs seen?
P: It’s easy, just follow my instincts and my
ideas. I make it personal, I upset myself with
A lot of different things, I would say it’s
more Social and political. Then just coming out
Naturally, it’s a personal expression and
Confidence.

DK: Some fashion advice: how can we look cool but stay warm this winter?
P: Think ‘hot’.

Homo sapiens

* The Wikipedia entry for the species "human" has a conservation status of "Least concern". This is completely misguided. I'd say we've got a pretty good chance of becoming extinct in the next hundred years. I'd say that was pretty concerning. Who gives a fuck about the Bengal tiger? It's nuclear holocaust I'm worried about.

Crippen: The Musical

Whenever I see a billboard advertising Pippin: The Musical, I always think, "Why did they make a musical about a homeopathic doctor who murdered his wife?" Then I remember: that was Crippen, not Pippin.

Then I think, wait a minute, a musical about a homeopathic doctor who murders his wife would be fantastic. Another Andrew Lloyd Webber-Tim Rice collaboration, perhumps?

"Ho, my name is Hawley Harvey and things are gettin' a teeny-weeny bit topsy-turvy
'Cause all I wanna do is have a bit of rumpy-pumpy
But dearest lovey-dovey we shouldn't dilly-dally
Because I think they're beginning to suspect that I murdered my wifey-wifey.

Oh, it's the Hawley Harvey Hop!
It's a super-duper topsy-turvy day!
Yes, it's the Hawley Harvey Hop!
I've killed my wife so now I must away...
Uh huh, it's the Hawley Harvey Hop, hop, hop...
'Cause I'm a roly-poly pooperscoopin' Hawley Harvey guy, that's right:
I'm a roly-poly pooperscoopin' Hawley Harvey guy!"

...

Fuck Tim Rice, that little cunt.

ISMAIL AX

I thought I should start using my insider info powers for good, and not for evil. Here's the lineup for Splendour In The Grass. For Rhiannon, anyway.

Saturday: Powderfinger, Kaiser Chiefs, Lily Allen, Sarah Blasko, Tilly & The Wall, Hot Chip, Sara Tindley, The Holdsteady and The Cat Empire.

Sunday: Arctic Monkeys, Bloc Party, Hilltop Hoods, Klaxons, The Shins, The Dirty Three, Expatriate, Josh Pyke, Airbourne and The Ride.

Tickets go on sale Monday 14 May.

So. Apparently, Cho Seung-Hui was handing in "disturbing" plays and creative writing pieces these past months. No doubt he submitted his stuff to the Virginia Tech student newspaper, who decided to run an interview with Jimeoin instead. No doubt the other students in his writing class workshop groups said things like, "There should be a comma there," and, "I love the magic realism". No doubt the Virginia Tech theatre society took his five dollars for membership in Orientation Week and didn't even put him on the mailing list.

No, I'm not really going anywhere with this.

Beware Asians with guns

There's something fundamentally wrong with the idea of paying for a haircut. You go in, you pay, and you come out with less than what you went in with. That doesn't sound like a good business model to me. Someone's being ruthlessly exploited here, and I don't think it Karlos Micheal from A Cut Above The Rest.

One day someone will find out how to use hair as a renewable energy source and make millions.

Twin Peaks series 2

Guess who got the second series of Twin Peaks for free? That's right. Me. Not you. Me.

You guys can have a shot too, if you like. You'll have to become a member of 3D World and explain, in 25 words or less, what you like about Twin Peaks. (I'm not just trying to divert traffic to 3D World here, I just know that David Lynch's target audience overlaps with mine.)

http://www.threedworld.com.au

Anyway, to prove that I've completely run out of creativity myself, here are some of the entries we've had so far...

****

In just 25 words, are you kidding? I've been yearning, signing petitions, shaking my fist at the sky, for 2 years for this.

I love twin peaks because they look so good underneath a girl's tight white T-shirt or jumper.

Its so wierd , so twisted so quirky that it just sucks you in!!!!LOVE IT!!!

The intrigue and suspense I was left in week after week had me on the edge of my seat, which never put me off-peak!

TWIN Peaks gives you TWICE the drama and passion!

Nothing as it's a waste of air time

midgets midgets midgets!!

Laura is lost Laura is gone So who did kill Laura Palmer? Seeking the truth The finding so grim So true so real

It made cling wrap popular again.

I hate it but my wife loves it so I toe the line

IT WAS SO OFFBEAT WHEN IT HIT THE SCREENS THAT I COULD HARDLY WAIT EACH WEEK TO SEE THE NEXT EPISODE - JUST LOVE DAVID LYNCH'S STYLE!

the two peaks

Anna Nicole Smith's diary

Ha ha ha.