Pirates vs Ninjas

So I thought I'd settle the Pirates vs Ninjas debate once and for all.

A mastery of every style of fighting. The skill and capacity to kill in cold blood. A wardrobe chock-full of stylish little black numbers. Such is the Way of the Ninja.

You may think you know all about the Way of the Ninja, but you’d be wrong. The real history of the Ninja is a riddle wrapped up in a mystery inside an enigma underneath a puzzle behind a conundrum next to the lentils container. Even the plural of ‘ninja’ is a well-guarded secret! Is it ‘ninjas’? Or is it ‘ninja’? It’s all part of the Infinite Mystery of the Ninja, or perhaps Ninjas.

Pirates, on the other hand - or should that be other hook? - have none of that grace and mystique. They’re loud and obnoxious! Frankly I can’t think of anything more annoying than the phrase “Garrrrr!”, except perhaps having a parrot screeching and shrieking in your ear all day.

Sure, it sounds very romantic and that, roaming the seven seas for buried treasure, but real pirates are nothing more than rum-soaked tramps with absurd hats and puffy shirts. Then there’s the obligatory disfigurement: eye-patches, wooden legs, hooks for hands… Imagine the costs of medical treatment and surgery! Not to mention the difficulty in playing tennis.

Ninjas? Why, ninjas would be superb at tennis. A ninja would laugh in the face of Roger Federer’s most aggressive topspin crosscourt volley groundstroke, and then probably pull out Roger Federer’s still beating heart with bare hands. Such is the Flair for Tennis of the Ninja.

But it’s not just ballsports that ninjas excel at. Ninjas are trained in the art and skill of stealth. They will always get the last pizza slice, unbeknownst to anyone. Heck, they’ll even leave the restaurant without paying, unbeknownst to anyone - even someone who is usually quite beknownst about things like that. This is because ninjas do everything by cover of darkness. Assassinating village leaders, spying on crime lords, eating ice cream - all done by cover of darkness. Even ninja dentists operate by cover of darkness. (The only thing pirates are likely to do by cover of darkness is yank the plank, and I don’t mean the type you walk off.)

Ninjas are efficient killers… and they are ruthless. That’s right, they have no ruth whatsoever. They would poison dart you and your extended family before you could work out how to pronounce shinobi-no-mono, let alone say it. Then they’d be away in the flash of a smoke bomb. (The only smoke bombs pirates let off… No. That one’s too easy.)

Ever wondered what someone’s last words are when a ninja blocks their carotid artery and stops the flow of blood to their brain? Actually, it sounds a lot like “Garrrrrr…”

[See this week's 3D World for the Pro-Pirates Argument! If you want.]