Knock 'Em Dead

For my 101st post, I thought I'd take a moment away from my usual shenanigans and write something a bit more serious and a bit more honest. Luckily, I decided against it.

Instead, I figured I'd ramble on about what conceivably brings people here: the midguided quest for something that will make them laugh.

What WAS to be my debut in stand-up comedy was… well, it was a joke. It went a little like this:

Sign up. Hear nothing. One week before Heat #1: get an email asking me to confirm my involvement in Heat #1. “No, I want to be in Heat #3.” Hear nothing. Day of Heat #1: get a call asking me to confirm my involvement in Heat #1. “No, I want to be in Heat #3.” Four days before Heat #2: get an email asking me to confirm my involvement in Heat #2. Call up and say, “No, I want to be in Heat #3.” Get a call back saying, “So, you want to be in Heat #3?” “Yes, I want to be in Heat #3.” Day of Heat #2: get a phone call asking me to confirm my involvement in Heat #2. “No, I want to be n Heat #3.” Day of Heat #3: hear nothing.

But I don't know. Maybe the God of Potentially Embarrassing Situations was trying to tell me something. Not just anyone can pull off stand-up comedy – anyone who saw Craig Maclachlan on the Footy Show understands that. How does that old song go? [I fucking hate disingenuous rhetorical questions like that.] ‘Make ’em laugh, make ’em laugh, make ’em laugh’. It’s simply not enough to make ’em giggle and it’s certainly not enough to make ’em smile in silent appreciation.

In a sense, comedy is no laughing matter – and I don’t just mean when you’re watching the Comedy Channel. The terminology of laughter verges on sadism and cruelty: “Kill ’em!” “Slay ’em!” “Knock ’em dead!” And, of course, when a comedian’s “gags” fail, they say, ”he’s dying out there”.

But you know what? Sometimes stand-up comedy is so terrible I wish the comedian really WAS dying out there. When it's bad, it's every bit as painful and awkward for the audience. So I’m NOT going to say something like, “I admire anyone who has the guts to get up on stage and give it a shot”, because I don’t. I’ve watched people who seem to have just mastered the “stand-up” part of “stand-up comedy” and haven’t gotten round to the bit about the comedy.

I'm talking about stand-up, but it applies to comedy as a whole, which brings us back here. Truth is, throwing together a couple of half-baked ideas and having a bit of a rant isn't real comedy. It's just dogshit. That is, I believe, the scientific term. In any case -- for those of you who still visit my corner of the junkshop that is the Internet -- thanks anyway for having a sniff.